I'm groovin', I'm doin' it.

You guys remember that thing I said I was gonna do? With all the hentai. Well I'm gonna do it.

If you don't, here's what's up: I got 50 gigs of hentai off of T. (since dis shit is publically viewable, no names please) at the last LAN party. You know, in case I get bored of 3d women porn (it happens). Anyway, I have set myself a challenge: watch it all, in alphabetical order, write about the experience. Why? Because I hate myself and want to die. Well, actually, who really knows why I do anything, but as far as I can see that's the most logical reason.

The story so far:

I have watched the three Urutsodukuji OVAs (NB. I make no apologies if I spell the name of some shithouse hentai series wrong. Let's be honest, the guys who make this shit don't care enough to write coherent storylines or characters anyone other than a psychopathic imbecile could possibly sympathise with, let along like, so fuck 'em) as translated by Penthouse and Akiba Girls, by, um, oh god I'm going to have to find out who produced this shit hold on while I fire up the .mkvs, by some bunch of boneheads called Milky. Milky. Stay classy bros.

OK there isn't much to say about UrweougfSJ/LKGJB that I haven't already said, at length and probably rather loudly, so to reiterate: all women are cunts fit only to be raped and exploded with jizz, unless they have the temerity to have sex for pleasure in which case they should be dismembered by demonspawn. Fucking sluts. There's also a scene where a guys having sex with a bunch of as-yet unexploded women but then his demonic cock (with all teeth on it) melts off. I think the women may even have survived that encounter, can't remember exactly. Poignant metaphor for the dangers of unprotected sex or is a cigar simply a cigar (where a cigar is a melted cock)? I don't claim to have the answers.
Actually I remember R. talking about Urutuavbsdoug in 2003, or possibly it was in that movie script he'd written, and he was a bit bemused about how a rape victim could turn around and have consensual oral sex basically an hour after having a bunch of wriggly little tentacles inserted into her anus. Good question! I'm going to have a guess and say that the people who made this are into women having their intestinal walls ruptured by an overload of demonic jizm, so it probably doesn't have as much to do with 'different cultures' as you thought at the time.

Alright let's talk about Akiba Girls now, all this misogyny is getting me all hot under the collar, which is odd because as a rule I don't think women should be allowed to vote (well, honestly, when was the last time you met a chick with a well thought out opinion about anything? Zigactly).
Alright Akiba girls is about some loser who gets laid a whole bunch in a variety of unlikely ways. I'll give Milky credit for knowing what they're working with. If you haven't already guessed, Akiba is a transparent reference to Akihabara, and the protagonist is a self-confessed 'Akiba style' man. Why dodgy fan-translated hentai is bothering to respect the copyright on a suburb in Tokyo is beyond me. Well I guess 'Akiba' could just be a affactionate abbreviation but I thought that joke was kind of funny (admittedly I didn't deliver it very well. But I can imagine it being funny, that's what counts).
Anyway my favourite thing in this series is the stupid plot. I made a crack about hentai creators not giving a shit (in brackets) earlier in this post, but this guys didn't just not give a shit, they put a bunch of shits in a safe deposit box! Another potentially funny joke poorly delivered, that one sounded good in my head, oh well. OK here's how the story goes, sex scenes included:
Fucking nerd comes home with a bunch of porno games. He hides them from his little sister.
He has a wank over some girl he saw in the street who looked like some chick out of a game he played. This scene was kind of good, obviously we see his fantasy instead of him lying there having a wank, and his fantasy was suitably nerdy and stupid (please protect me from space pirates). Vaguely amusing, not quite aroused.
He goes to join some nerd club. Naturally he interrupts some cosplay girl while she is getting changed. They have sex and he uses his awesome virgin powers to give her massive orgasms. It seems unlikely to me that virgins have sex with strangers in public places to kill time while waiting to meet some guy, but there you go.
Alright I'm bored now, plus detailing every plot point through all three episodes is going to take ages. Yes he meets the girl he wanked over again, and yes he does poke his sister. He also pokes his other sister, who drunkenly seduces him (don't worry though, they were adopted). Other than that he gives it to some voice actress who starred in some porno game he liked (he also has a threesome with her and cosplay girl). The main thing I want to talk about is the love triangle between him, his non-drunken sister and the porno-game look alike, and specifically how it is resolved. At the end of the first episode the sister gets a mysterious phone call that shocks her deeply. After poking the drunk (he went there to ask what was eating his other sister, since she'd been acting weird post-phone call. The answer being she's obviously in love with you, hey I love you too let's fuck), the protagonist goes and confesses his love to other sister. They get it on, this being after he started seeing lookalike girl, who is also falling in love with him. The call, by the way, was from sister's real dad, who wants to get to know his daughter but he lives somewhere else so she'd have to leave protag to meet him. But hey after they boff, she knows that protag loves her so the hell with going to meet her real dad. And the matter is never raised again.
So anyway he's now with sis and lookalike, and he's going to have to choose. But which? Well on the one hand his sister's tits grow exponentially larger when he's rooting her (I might get some screencaps of that when I can be bothered), but on the other the other girl looks like some porno game character. The Westermarck effect isn't an issue either, but given that this is Japan maybe I'm overestimating how much of a problem that really is.
OK yeah let's take a step back. Onii-chan and sis are alone in the house to fuck up a storm because mum and dad are dead. Protag was actually in the car with them when they crashed so how is he still alive? Answer: an angel pulled his fat (little arse) out of the fire! Yes indeed, that angel was the look alike girl, and she was cast out of heaven for altering destiny. She did this because she totally fell in love with protag when she saw him, which, incidentally, is super fucking creepy, given that he was, like, 5 at the time.

GUIDE FOR GETTING BACK INTO A VENGEFUL GOD'S GOOD BOOKS, BY MILKY:

• Cop some dude's load in the face

Well yeah. He pops one off on her forehead and suddenly she's back into God's good graces. She ascends to heaven, love triangle resolved!

I don't really know what to add to that.
Well, I suppose I didn't mention my favourite sex scene so I guess I'll do that now: he's porking his sister and trying to watch some shitty magical girl series at the same time. I didn't wank or anything (honest) but this scene, like the whack-off fantasy, actually seemed like something protag would do, and could even have been funny if they'd tried a little harder. I like my porn to have plenty of narrative consistency, you know.

Anyway the end, I'm sick of thinking about this shit. I'll do things episodically rather than by series from now on. Next up is Anal Sanctuary, episode 1 of 2.
There'll be pictures (would have done it this time, but I couldn't be fucked).

I'm going to cut my throat now, see you guys soon.